issue 4
the one about....commercials??
I’ve been trying to figure out the perfect combination of subscriptions so I can watch whatever TV I want to watch at any time. I recently signed up for Sling, which is great so far because it’s like cable in the sense that I can watch different channels that air on cable TV...but I can choose what channels I’m paying for. Let me say ahead of time that this is not sponsored by Sling, I’m just talking about it. I realized that something I enjoy almost as much as watching TV is watching commercials. I haven’t seen real commercials in awhile. I signed up for Youtube Red or Youtube TV or whatever they’re calling it now because I got fucking sick of their constant ads.It was the same handful of ads over and over again and they weren’t for anything I hadn’t seen before. But having Sling is cool and weird because I get to see commercials for weird shit I wouldn’t otherwise know about. I was watching a commercial the other day for this mini bathroom shelf you plug into an outlet that gives you way more outlets than you previously had. Plus, a shelf!! It was super appealing instantly when I saw it, but the longer I thought about it the more I realized that I don’t need more outlets or another shelf in my bathroom, so there was like, no reason for me to order it. If I didn’t think about it as long as I did, I probably would’ve gotten it. It was one of those things that is useful if you have a use for it, if that makes sense. It wasn’t “junk”, but it wasn’t something I needed. I like how a lot of infomercials present products to us. I love the ones that start with a question, like “Are you tired of burgers that just won’t flip???”. Because it makes you think, like fuck….am I tired of that??? And they show someone, usually in black and white, who just looks absolutely frustrated out of their mind because they can’t flip their burger or whatever the case may be. It cracks me up. I love the drama of infomercials. It’s almost a whole different culture. I like to imagine someone seeing a commercial like that and screaming YES!!! I AM TIRED OF BURGERS THAT JUST WON’T FLIP!!!! FUCK!!!! and that person finally feeling a sense of relief that their burger flipping problems will finally be over. Everyone likes to feel understood.
Over a decade ago, my brother and I were up late watching TV and an ad for a Cricut came on. We had just watched three movies in a row and we felt like we were in that in between state where we weren’t asleep but weren’t really awake either. Kinda delirious. There was this feeble older woman’s voice that came on and said “to get your cricut today, go to www dot get my cricut dot com”. I think it was a scrapbooking device or something. I don’t completely remember. But when it came on, we looked at each other like “Is this really happening?”. Because firstly, it was definitely past 3am and secondly, this woman sounded like she was so tired or old or both that she was going to drop dead before she finished spitting out the web address. Who is shopping for scrapbooking supplies that late at night/early in the morning? What was the target audience here? Insomniacs who just have an overwhelming passion for cutting up paper? I don’t know. It seemed odd. But I will never forget her voice, or the gravelly cadence in her delivery, even if I don’t remember exactly what a Cricut is.
More recently, there’s been this commercial that I guess is supposed to be about facilitating gun safety in the home, but it’s super unclear. There’s a kid who asks “Dad, do we have a gun?” and the father, rolling his sleeves up at the sink, says “Why do ya ask that, kiddo?”. Then the commercial ends. Whatever the point of the commercial is, I’m not fully getting it. Why is the kid asking if his dad has a gun? Does his dad have a gun? Why not show a full dialogue between the father and son to actually get some message across? I feel like they could’ve done better with that. But what do I know? I have a TV, no guns and no kids. I guess they’re not talking to me anyway. Now, when the commercial comes on, I just mimic the dad’s voice saying “Why do ya ask that, kiddo?” and crack up laughing. Gun safety is no laughing matter, but this shit is so vague it doesn’t even feel like they’re trying to be serious. If you’ve seen the commercial, maybe you know what I mean. I want to meet the person who sees that commercial and “gets” “it”. They could probably teach me a thing or two.
There’s another old commercial that sticks with me. It’s a Coke commercial from I think the early 2000s, with Courteney Cox and David Arquette. They’re sitting on the couch and she asks him if he wants anything to drink. He says a Coke. When she goes to the fridge, there’s only one can of Coke left, so she asks him if he wants ice. She fills the glass with ice all the way to the top, pours a tiny bit of Coke in there and it instantly looks full. She brings it over to him, doesn’t make eye contact, and drinks her part of the Coke from the can. THAT’S a fucking commercial, dude. AND!!! it’s feminism. Case closed. I think the commercial is on youtube. It plays in my head sometimes and then I’m like “Damn. I want a Coke now. They got me!!”.
Although their marriage didn’t last, do you know what did? That crisp, refreshing Coca Cola taste!!