issue 22
Yeah I know, I’ve written about commercials before. But this time it’s different, I swear. Something sinister is going on with ads everywhere. I don’t even know how to explain it. It feels like every night I go into my group chat to ask if they’ve seen a specific fucked up commercial, and no, they never have. It feels like I’m living in an alternate universe. It doesn’t help that I’m always high when I see them. Evenings are my wind down time. I give Wiggles a little snack, take an edible, do my skincare routine, and turn on something relaxing. It’s usually Golden Girls or The Mary Tyler Moore Show. My nighttime shows are always even-keeled, with minimal drama or out of the ordinary excitement. I don’t need that kind of energy before bed. I’ll get all amped up and not be able to sleep. Nighttime is my time.
But in a fucked up twist of events, nighttime has stopped being my time. Now it’s the commercials’ time. I actually really love commercials, but I feel like they used to make more sense. Now it’s like they’re throwing literally anything together in an attempt to rile me up. And it’s working. What makes it worse is that there’s a seemingly limited amount of commercials that I’ll see. I have them memorized now, almost as if they’re part of me….like my social security number. Every time one comes on, I lean into the screen, hoping that this time I’ll understand. No dice. So, in an effort to understand, I’m sharing them with you. If any of you know what the fuck is going on, please let me know. I need my nighttime back.
Some doses of positivity before we get started. THIS is a commercial. That grandma fucking loves basketball, dude. And I love that she loves basketball. Her connection with the sport is beautiful, and if I pay for YouTube TV, I too can feel like her. Also, the Taco Bell anime commercial for nacho fries? That is real cinema.
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OK. Please tell me you’ve seen the Lisa Loeb Geico commercial. I can’t stand it. What the FUCK is happening???? Why is Lisa Loeb stepping out of obscurity to put my husband (the Geico gecko) out of a job? How does she look exactly the same way she looked however many years ago? Why do they insist on making me cry over auto insurance? I don’t even have a car. Sometimes I have to get up and leave the room just to keep from seeing it. I don’t appreciate Ms. Loeb making me feel this way. ‘Stay’ is a banger though.
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This Carvana commercial that involves an egg cooker for some reason? Makes me feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience with every view.
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HomeGoods will one day answer for their crimes. There are layers to how I feel about them, and I’m going to say something that may be shocking. I hope no one holds it against me. I really don’t like the HomeGoods/TJ Maxx/Marshall’s industrial complex. I find it sickening. I hate how messy the stores feel. It’s like going to the dump and hoping to find something of use. And none of it is even unique. It’s just a bunch of shit everywhere. And I’m supposed to be impressed by it. That’s not happening. More egregious than their haphazard stores are their ads that were made into a mini series (???) about a woman who moves into a HomeGoods store. There’s no reason for this to be a thing. But it is. What’s even more upsetting is that I look forward to seeing these ads. They don’t compel me to shop at the store, and I don’t find anything particularly interesting about the ads themselves other than the woman in them. There’s something kinda infectious about her, like she would actually be fun to hang out with in HomeGoods. Outside of HomeGoods? I have no idea. I can’t envision her breaking free of those walls. It’s like seeing your doctor at the grocery store. it’s not weird that your doctor is there, but you never considered their life outside of the office because you never had to.
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There’s a Cafe Bustelo ad where they say they’re an “official partner of ‘In The Heights’”....I don’t feel like I need to elaborate on why this is upsetting. And I refuse to link to it.
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Then there’s this HelloFresh commercial. You know how there’s a movie you won’t watch just because the fans of it are so aggressive about how you “HAVE TO SEE IT!!!” ? That’s how I feel about HelloFresh. They’re too interested in getting me to try their shit. I get emails, YouTube ads, Hulu commercials, they haunt me in every corner of my media-consuming life. I will stand strong, I will resist. But let’s talk about this fucking shit. It has Antoni from Queer Eye in it, which is strike one. I’ve never seen Queer Eye, and won’t watch it, because something about his aura is very sinister. But apart from the aura, I have further complaints. In the ad, Antoni says “this dish has more layers than a backhanded compliment from my dad.” PARDON???? Why did you do that, Antoni? Every time he says it I stop like “damn bro what the fuck does your dad say to you???” And that’s not my business!! I have enough of my own problems, I don’t need a projectional quip in the middle of an ad for delivery meals. I cannot express how much I hate this ad. The worst part is I literally could not tell you what meal he’s making, because I zone out at that part every time. I want everyone involved to be prosecuted.
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The boss babies are in a Chime ad. I refuse to explain this one. That description needs to be enough.
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I’m gonna be honest, y’all. I feel like commercials are only going to get worse. And while yes, I could pay real American dollars to bypass the ads, I will not. 1) That’s how they get you. I cannot fall victim to that trap 2) Someone has to keep an eye on what’s happening out there. I guess it has to be me. Fine. I will keep watch, mouth agape, fumbling my fingers to inform the group chat of the latest insane ads. It’s the least I can do.